Week Thirty Two – another “not a grateful post” 

Today I am going to put down some thoughts in no particular order about the stuff I am struggling with. 

I wonder if my accident was the universe telling me to never ride a bike again. Not only did I have an accident but I hear many stories about other people having accidents too. 

I loved riding my bike and I know I will love riding it again and I also know that I will be a different rider and hopefully a better rider. I also know it is a process. I am only at the beginning of the process of getting my fitness and my core strength back and I have no idea if in that process I might decide that there are other sports that I could take up. I don’t think there will be another sport that I get so much enjoyment from and I am struggling with the slowness of the process. 

I know I had an event that was life threatening but I didn’t ever feel like I was going to die. My father on the other hand is a vascular surgeon and understands how close I was to dying. Many people have said to me that they do not think I should get back on my bike but Dad is the one person who I know I have effected the most. I do not want to put him through that stress again but I know I want to ride my bike again. 

I talk about the accident a lot. I get asked about the accident a lot. It is part of my story now but I don’t want it to be part of my story. I often feel like it is someone else I am talking about.  I am struggling with how to make it part of my story in a way that makes me a happier person.

I don’t want my life to be different but it is. 

I want to make a difference in people’s lives – I would be happy with just one persons life but I seem to be consumed with my own recovery at present. 

I love listening to everyone’s stories about their exercise adventures such as skiing and cycling – but I hate it too.

I look down at my scar and I am grateful that I am here but I hate that I have a scar from my sternum to below my belly button.

I am grateful that I can enjoy music and things other than cycling but I hate that I am not on my bike. 

I am grateful that I can walk but I am frustrated that I can’t run. 

I am grateful that I have a wonderful physio but I wish I didn’t see him so often. 

I am grateful that I am not working so that I can take time out to rest but I hate that I get overwhelmed and teary when I layer anything on my existing health. For example if I get over tired, hormonal or put too many things in my calendar the wheels fall off. 

I am grateful that I didn’t have a head injury but I think I must have given my brain a good shake up because my decision making ability is still compromised, my cognitive function is slower than it used to be and I make really dumb decisions regularly. 

I don’t want to think about my accident but I have no choice as it is effecting my everyday life all the time – I still have back pain, I still get tired, I still am not riding my bike, I look down at my belly and it is all flabby and all my abdominal muscles have relaxed ( in a much worse way than following having children), I am not back at uni, I still take longer to get dressed, I have put on weight, I am not fit………and so it goes on. 

I feel guilty that I feel like this because I am here, I do not have a terminal illness and many many people are much worse off than I am.

In summary: I have had an accident that was life threatening. I don’t want to rehash the story in a way that takes over my life but the effects of the accident are still effecting my life in a very significant way. I think it is unhealthy to disregard these feeling of frustration, anger and ungratefullness. I need to intergrate and acknowledge that I have had a life threatening accident and understand that it is now part of me in a way that adds to my life and  in a way that gives me more empathy and understanding for others. 

So………I will keep talking about it, I will continue to blog about what I am grateful about and occasionally I will be grumpy, frustrated and not grateful. And I will keep getting better! 

Do you have something that has happened to you that you don’t want to acknowledge but that if you did would be healthy ? You never know it might help someone else in some small way. 

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12 Responses to Week Thirty Two – another “not a grateful post” 

  1. I really commend your honesty in dealing with something that’s had such a huge negative impact on your life. I was diagnosed with bipolar 19 years ago, and it’s been such a challenge not to always ask, “why me?” I am finding that acceptance really helps. It’s like of like being stuck in a trap, the more you struggle the tighter it gets. I think acceptance is about just letting it be and saying, “yes, this did happen. It is really hard but I’m ok.” When you let go of fighting and get down to just working with what has happened you find kind of a peace in it. I hope this helps. I think it’s great to talk about how you’re feeling and know that lots of others feel the same. I think you’re doing great and all things will come in time. Just keep on going forward! You can do it!

  2. Liz says:

    Keep at it Jen. By being honest about the whole process it is truly the first step to being able to heal. I have no idea what sort of rider I will be even with all the training I am doing. I am certainly more risk averse. I gained 20 kg over the course of last year as a result of the crash, and depression and anxiety about lots of crash related things – i.e. things like “I have no place in B grade” and “I’m not healing fast enough”, as well as the trauma of dealing with leaving a certain coach and team. I am happy to say that by acknowledging the trauma and being kind to myself and others, I’ve begun to unlock the door to healing. The weight is coming off and whilst still riding, doing other things as well. Have a look at myJanuary blogs and you will see. I’m in your corner Jen.

    • admin says:

      Thank you Liz. I am watching your progress with admiration. I think letting go is crucial – it is just working through that process is hard. I love that you are in my corner. I am in yours too.

  3. Theresa says:

    Yes dear lady. It is why I wrote my book about my darling Sarah’s journey. I understand much of what you are feeling. Love T

  4. Naomi says:

    Hi Jen, it was so great to see you this morning and have a chat. I love how honest you are in these posts and am sure you are helping many people – not just one. In answer to your question at the end – it is not something that ‘happened’ to me that I talk about in hope of helping someone but I do talk to people when appropriate about my relationship with alcohol and how I feel it has affected my health. Even though I feel uncomfortable about it at times due to perceived stigma, I do it in the hope of sharing the message of how ingrained in our society unhealthy levels of drinking are. Some people do just not realise that what is ‘accepted’ is so unhealthy to long term health.

    BTW – I also live in hope that I ride my bike as much as I used to, I really loved it but just got out of the habit. Although at the moment I am a little addicted to strength training 😉
    love, Naomi xx

    • admin says:

      Thanks Naomi. It was lovely to see you too. I am thrilled when I hear people trying to change their relationship with alcohol. Our culture is so ingrained with the intake of alcohol at a level that is so unhealthy. Good on you. I think I am going to ask a good friend of mine to write a guest blog about the subject in the future!

  5. Remember Me says:

    Your honesty and willingness to share is refreshing. I’m up early again this morning: far too early but I will deal with it. One of the things I am deliberating is today’s post. Thanks you have helped me to decide Wednesday is going to be my regular day for ‘Showing A Sprinkle Of Gratitude’. I wrote my post last night to go out at 7 am this morning. However, there is so much going on here at the moment that I could easily have several topics today. Thanks for inspiring me to stick with my plan. Dementia is a real challenge in our lives but there is still much to show gtatitude for!

    • admin says:

      Good luck with the gratitude and staying positive during a time that is obviously challenging. I find going outside and putting my feet on the earth can be helpful to to ground myself and reconnect with the positive when things are tough as well as being grateful.

  6. Remember Me says:

    I’m delaying my Sprinkle of Gratitude once again as I have to deal with another matter in today’s post.

  7. Pingback: Week Forty Eight – Why I blog .  | A Sprinkle of Gratitude

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