I was going to write a blog post on the 31st December about what I was grateful about me. I was going to blog about all the parts of me that make me me. I was going to be proud of the good bits of me and be proud of the bits of me that I didn’t like so much. It was part of my New Years resolution to be proud of all of me. I didn’t because we lost a dear friend on New Years Eve. We are so devastated and I do not feel grateful I just feel sad. Life is so incredibly unpredictable. Again I find myself asking who chooses what pathway our life takes. Yesterday a beautiful 18 year old boy who was King hit in Brisbane died in hospital from his injuries. Another family will be grieving. Our community is grieving. Life is sad. Life is unpredictable. There are bad people in this world. Something I have been struggling with over the last few days is how can I feel grateful about my life when there is so much sadness happening to those around me. My observation is that I can still hold those people who are struggling and grieving in my thoughts while dealing with my stuff.
I am struggling with not being fit enough to ski on our annual skiing holiday.
I am struggling with not being able to ski down the mountain with my kids and husband and being there when they have a super fast and fun run.
I am struggling with having constant pain. It is not bad enough to take anything for it but it is there all the time.
I am struggling with not being in a place further along my healing journey than am.
I am struggling that the issues I have are minor in comparison with the grief and loss of others and that I just should suck it up and be grateful even though I feel I don’t feel so grateful.
But …….I am also grateful:
I am grateful that I knew our friend who passed away. I am grateful I share a friendship with her daughter and family. I have so many fond and really fun memories and for that I am so grateful.
I am grateful for the Internet and technology. I am so sad that I will be unable to support my friend and be there with her at her Mum’s funeral but I am grateful that I can send her constant messages and that I will be able to organise flowers for her from where we are in Japan.
I am so very grateful for being given the opportunity to be in such a beautiful place as Niseko in Japan. I can still walk, go to the physio, eat, onsen, and talk and for that I am truly blessed.
I am grateful that perhaps in some small way I can support others who are struggling with stuff. My struggles are different to their struggles but I can still cry with them and feel sad with them.
I am grateful that I have pain because it means I am alive and not dead.
I am grateful that I am so far along my healing journey and that I am so much better than six months ago.
I think my first post for 2016 is different from the one I was going to write but I think I am still acknowledging lots of parts of me. I really want to care for those in our community who are managing difficult times. I want to provide support and love and hope. I want to help others make their life happier. I too struggle. It is different from what others find difficult but it is still hard.
I wish you all a year filled with hope and joy and gratefulness. If you have stuff that is hard I am happy to offer support and love. I too will ask for help when things become overwhelming but I will continue to be joyful, hopeful and grateful and love life.