An ungrateful post – by a girl who loves life and is grateful to be alive. 

 On the 7th June this year I was riding my bike, crashed into a barrier and nearly died. The injuries I sustained were extensive and if you are unaware of what they were you can read about them here – The Day of the Accident

Prior to the accident  as part of my normal daily routine I journaled. Included in the information that I wrote about was a daily list of five things I am grateful about. One of the injuries I sustained in the accident was a broken left arm. I write with my left hand so it became impossible for me to physically write in my journal and thus write down what I was grateful about. I already had this blog so I decided to use this platform to record what I am grateful about each day. This has been very therapeutic as I have stayed positive and it has been useful to communicate my progress with all my friends. It has not just been a one way form of communication. I have had constant messages of support and encouragement each day. 

I am an advocate of the benefits of practicing gratefulness  (you can read about some of those benefits here – Gratitude ) but  I also believe in balance. It would be lying if I said I was grateful all the time. I haven’t been. Today I thought I would record some of the things I am not grateful about. I don’t want my friends to feel sorry for me nor do I want sympathy. I just think it is unrealistic to give the impression that I am grateful all the time. I would like to warn anyone reading this that the following list contains language that is unladylike. 

I can’t do anything about the following issues. The words I use a lot are ” it just is”. I am not the same person as the person I was before the accident. But “it just is”. 

WHAT I AM NOT GRATEFUL ABOUT. 

Falling off my bike was fucked and it hurt……a lot.

It is crap not being able to go for a ride because I am broken and so is my bike.

I can’t do up my own bra it hurts too much.

If I wear tight jeans for too long the scar on my tummy aches.

I can’t lift my arm because it has been immobile for four months.

I have had constant pain for 4 months – it is not bad pain but it exists. 

I have spent the last four months healing and as a result  I feel like an observer of life rather than someone who is fully engaged in my life.

I can’t write anything without it hurting. 

I had to defer my study which sucks because I was going to be finished by the end of the year.

I stopped my singing lessons because I couldn’t take deep breaths.

I haven’t been able to wear my wedding ring on the right hand since my arm was operated on because my fingers are still too swollen.

I can’t do weights or swim because I have a risk of a rotator cuff injury to my shoulder as it has been so immobile for so long.

I get tired after walking a few kilometers. 

I am sleeping on the opposite side of the bed because I have trouble getting in and out the normal side.

I can’t lie on my tummy it hurts too much.

I hate that I have caused so much distress to my family and friends.

I read a lot that something good will come out of all this – that is fucked. Could someone please tell me now what that is because I am sick of waiting. 

I am not a natural athlete so any time I spend off the bike I know I am losing touch with my friends skills and speed. I know that everyone has times off the bike but I hate the fact that I may never ride at the same level again. 

I am getting better and I will be totally better sometime. It is just a matter of time. So for the moment “it just is” and I am ok with that.   

  
    

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11 Responses to An ungrateful post – by a girl who loves life and is grateful to be alive. 

  1. Michele Taylor says:

    Great Blog ……it just is ! Xx

  2. Karen says:

    Hi Jen

    You have every right to feel ungrateful. That’s normal. We are always told that good will come from everything bad, and sometimes it’s hard to find that “good”.

    I know how hard and frustrating it is to get back on a bike and try and regain strength and fitness. I also know your task is tougher in several ways.

    However I am offering to help you by riding with you…”Ride to get Jen T. back…”
    Perhaps you can arrange a time outside the usual organised rides and you can set the distance, route and the pace. I will ride with you.

    I work full time but off alternate Mondays. I work one in three weekends and get two weekdays off. If you set up an event (events) and I can make it – I will ride with you! I am sure you will be pleasantly surprised at the support you would get!

    We have been doing an easy night ride on Monday nights as well. Its a group on fb called “Northern Night Ninjas” It’s slow and steady and just on 30km. It’s great fun and no pressure.

    Biggest hug to you my friend.
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  3. Theresa says:

    I will ride with you too Jen.

  4. Meredith says:

    This is the young and yang, it’s normal. We’re with you Jen. Love Mere

  5. Annie says:

    Sweetheart knowing you and teaching you yoga for quite a few years this has made my day. Yes its hard and sad and fucked in so many ways and layers but you have been so honest and truthful and I thank you for this beautiful painful sharing of your real feelings. You are doing so well and I’m very proud of you. I’m not teaching at the moment honey but I will again and we will share some deep amazing pure yoga again. Take care and keep that honesty up its a rarity. love Annie – Your yoga teacher, friend and fan Jen!

    • admin says:

      Thank you so much Annie. I am not up to yoga yet but I am considering a yoga retreat or meditation retreat next year sometime . If you have any recommendations I would be very appreciative . When you are back teaching again please let me know and I will come. You have a lovely day gorgeous . All my love Jen xxx

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