On the 7th June this year I was riding my bike, crashed into a barrier and nearly died. The injuries I sustained were extensive and if you are unaware of what they were you can read about them here – The Day of the Accident.
Prior to the accident as part of my normal daily routine I journaled. Included in the information that I wrote about was a daily list of five things I am grateful about. One of the injuries I sustained in the accident was a broken left arm. I write with my left hand so it became impossible for me to physically write in my journal and thus write down what I was grateful about. I already had this blog so I decided to use this platform to record what I am grateful about each day. This has been very therapeutic as I have stayed positive and it has been useful to communicate my progress with all my friends. It has not just been a one way form of communication. I have had constant messages of support and encouragement each day.
I am an advocate of the benefits of practicing gratefulness (you can read about some of those benefits here – Gratitude ) but I also believe in balance. It would be lying if I said I was grateful all the time. I haven’t been. Today I thought I would record some of the things I am not grateful about. I don’t want my friends to feel sorry for me nor do I want sympathy. I just think it is unrealistic to give the impression that I am grateful all the time. I would like to warn anyone reading this that the following list contains language that is unladylike.
I can’t do anything about the following issues. The words I use a lot are ” it just is”. I am not the same person as the person I was before the accident. But “it just is”.
WHAT I AM NOT GRATEFUL ABOUT.
Falling off my bike was fucked and it hurt……a lot.
It is crap not being able to go for a ride because I am broken and so is my bike.
I can’t do up my own bra it hurts too much.
If I wear tight jeans for too long the scar on my tummy aches.
I can’t lift my arm because it has been immobile for four months.
I have had constant pain for 4 months – it is not bad pain but it exists.
I have spent the last four months healing and as a result I feel like an observer of life rather than someone who is fully engaged in my life.
I can’t write anything without it hurting.
I had to defer my study which sucks because I was going to be finished by the end of the year.
I stopped my singing lessons because I couldn’t take deep breaths.
I haven’t been able to wear my wedding ring on the right hand since my arm was operated on because my fingers are still too swollen.
I can’t do weights or swim because I have a risk of a rotator cuff injury to my shoulder as it has been so immobile for so long.
I get tired after walking a few kilometers.
I am sleeping on the opposite side of the bed because I have trouble getting in and out the normal side.
I can’t lie on my tummy it hurts too much.
I hate that I have caused so much distress to my family and friends.
I read a lot that something good will come out of all this – that is fucked. Could someone please tell me now what that is because I am sick of waiting.
I am not a natural athlete so any time I spend off the bike I know I am losing touch with my friends skills and speed. I know that everyone has times off the bike but I hate the fact that I may never ride at the same level again.
I am getting better and I will be totally better sometime. It is just a matter of time. So for the moment “it just is” and I am ok with that.