Today I am revisiting a post from last year. After writing down what I am struggling with yesterday I thought it would be constructive to go back to my last ungrateful post and compare how far I have come. So here is the post.
On the 10th June 2015 I was riding my bike, crashed into a barrier and nearly died. The injuries I sustained were extensive and if you are unaware of what they were you can read about them here – The Day of the Accident.
Prior to the accident as part of my normal daily routine I journaled. Included in the information that I wrote about was a daily list of five things I am grateful about. One of the injuries I sustained in the accident was a broken left arm. I write with my left hand so it became impossible for me to physically write in my journal and thus write down what I was grateful about. I already had this blog so I decided to use this platform to record what I am grateful about each day. This has been very therapeutic as I have stayed positive and it has been useful to communicate my progress with all my friends. It has not just been a one way form of communication. I have had constant messages of support and encouragement each day.
I am an advocate of the benefits of practicing gratefulness (you can read about some of those benefits here – Gratitude).but I also believe in balance. It would be lying if I said I was grateful all the time. I haven’t been. Today I thought I would record some of the things I am not grateful about. I don’t want my friends to feel sorry for me nor do I want sympathy. I just think it is unrealistic to give the impression that I am grateful all the time. I would like to warn anyone reading this that the following list contains language that is unladylike.
I can’t do anything about the following issues. The words I use a lot are ” it just is”. I am not the same person as the person I was before the accident. But “it just is”.
WHAT I AM NOT GRATEFUL ABOUT.
Falling off my bike was fucked and it hurt……a lot. This is still the same.
It is crap not being able to go for a ride because I am broken and so is my bike. I have been looking at new bikes.
I can’t do up my own bra it hurts too much. I can do up my bra.
If I wear tight jeans for too long the scar on my tummy aches. It is summer so I am mostly wearing loose clothing.
I can’t lift my arm because it has been immobile for four months. I can now lift my arm and I am allowed to swim.
I have had constant pain for 4 months – it is not bad pain but it exists. I still have pain but I think it is improving.
I have spent the last four months healing and as a result I feel like an observer of life rather than someone who is fully engaged in my life. I am much more engaged in life and really the only thing that is different is study and exercise.
I can’t write anything without it hurting. I am writing again.
I had to defer my study which sucks because I was going to be finished by the end of the year. I will go back to study in September.
I stopped my singing lessons because I couldn’t take deep breaths. I will go back to singing this term. My breathing is normal.
I haven’t been able to wear my wedding ring on the right hand since my arm was operated on because my fingers are still too swollen. I still can’t wear any rings on my left hand.
I can’t do weights or swim because I have a risk of a rotator cuff injury to my shoulder as it has been so immobile for so long. I am starting weights today and hopefully swimming next week.
I get tired after walking a few kilometers. I can walk 12kms slowly .
I am sleeping on the opposite side of the bed because I have trouble getting in and out the normal side. I am sleeping on my normal side of the bed and have no trouble getting in and out.
I can’t lie on my tummy it hurts too much. I can lie on my tummy.
I hate that I have caused so much distress to my family and friends. I still hate this.
I read a lot that something good will come out of all this – that is fucked. Could someone please tell me now what that is because I am sick of waiting. I still don’t know what this is.
I am not a natural athlete so any time I spend off the bike I know I am losing touch with my friends skills and speed. I know that everyone has times off the bike but I hate the fact that I may never ride at the same level again. I will ride again.I will ride differently. I will become a better rider.
I am getting better and I will be totally better sometime. It is just a matter of time. So for the moment “it just is” and I am ok with that. I need to remind myself of this daily.