We are all grieving. What we once viewed as solid and dependable is now on shaky ground.
We need to recognise that life and death issues have suddenly been brought to the forefront of our lives. Many of us are now anxious about death and illness. Many of us are also anxious about all sorts of other losses. Lost routines, lost social connections, lost safety and security, loss of jobs and identity, loss of income and loss of community.
We are not only grieving for own individual losses but we are also grieving collectively due to the scale of the losses all over the world. We are experiencing individual grief about our own losses, we are experiencing collective grief for the losses of humanity and we are experiencing anticipatory grief. We are anticipating that we may lose loved ones, we are anticipating that we may be unable to participate in future events like birthdays, weddings or funerals and we are anticipating that life may never be the same. Some things that we should have been doing at this time we may never have the opportunity to do in the future.
Grief is universal but we all feel it in different ways and in our Aussie culture it is not something that we are very good at talking about. When we are grieving we can feel numb, we can deny what is going on, we can feel anger, we can feel sadness, we can feel irritable, we can feel frustrated, we can feel anxious, we can feel guilty for what we could have done or didn’t do, and we can feel frightened. We can feel all these emotions in one day. We can feel these emotions intensely and sometimes we can feel not much at all.
I am a grief counsellor and I work in Palliative care. Much of the literature around grief suggests that you will eventually come to accept the loss you have experienced and that it is helpful to make meaning from your loss. I believe this way of looking at grief does not allow for the depth of the loss to be acknowledged and recognised. The statement “You will learn something from the experience” or “There is a reason why this happened” does not allow space for how terrible the situation is. If you have just lost a loved one or if this COVID virus has caused your business to close you will not want to learn from this. You won’t be overly interested in the reason that this terrible virus is happening in our world. I believe that trying to fix our individual and collective grief or trying to go back to normal after we are all allowed to go back to our regular lives will stop conversation, it will hinder our growth as individuals, and our community will miss out on even deeper and more meaningful connections. I believe at this time it is extremely important as an individual to recognise and honour your grief in relation to what is happening around you and I believe it is important as a community we recognise and honour the grief of humanity.
It is ok to not be ok. I think it is really important to acknowledge this statement – IT IS OK TO NOT BE OK. In this current environment it is ok to feel anxious and sad and angry and whatever other emotions you are feeling. It is ok to grieve your losses and the losses we as humanity are experiencing.
What can we do to make this time more manageable?
The following things are suggestions only and are based on the work I have done as a grief counsellor:-
- Acknowledge the grief. If we can name it, perhaps we can manage it.
- Seek help if the world is too scary and if you cannot manage on your own. Many people will return to a kind of normal after this crisis although I think all of us will be changed in some way. Some people will have so much disruption to their lives they will need professional support to recover. Please seek help if you are or become one of these people.
- Stay connected through your social networks. I know this is challenging in this time of physical distance but I encourage you to stay connected through phone calls, text messages and video chat.
- Try and find balance in the things you are thinking. For example if your thought is “Everyone I love is going to die” – try and change the thought to “We can all be sick sometimes. Not everyone I love gets so sick that they die”. Neither scenario should be ignored but neither should dominate.
- Try and come into the present. This will be familiar advice to those of us who meditate or practice mindfulness. I know this may seem overly spiritual but it can lower stress and is available to everyone. If you are a beginner there are many apps you can download. One that I use and love is Headspace.
- Establish some new routines and rituals. During this time many of us have lost routines that although may be mundane help to define your sense of self in the world. For example morning coffee at the local café may have been a ritual. Try and come up with a new ritual such as sitting on your verandah having a cup of tea with your favourite cup.
- Write, or create or express. Keeping a journal, drawing a picture, or expressing your grief in other ways such as screaming into a pillow can move the grief through your body and allow it to be expressed or acknowledged in some way.
- Try and stop consuming things that are toxic. This can include social media, food and alcohol and drugs.
- Try and be compassionate. Everyone will be having different levels of fear, anxiety and grief. Be extra kind and compassionate in this strange time.
- Be kind to yourself. There are many things you can do to be kind to yourself. Eat well. Get enough sleep. Take a bath. Read a book. Go for a walk. Dance in your kitchen. Listen to music. Light a candle.
- And finally try to practice joy and gratitude. You are alive. What can you be grateful for in this moment ?
I hope what I have written in some way sheds some light on what you may be feeling at this very strange time in our lives.
I wish you all peace and love during this Easter Period.
Until next time
The Women’s Start
